TMPD Antics: Hijinks
by Taliya
Summary: Side stories from the TMPD Antics universe; previous knowledge of this universe is not strictly required. Drabble-esque oneshots in no particular order. Rated for language.
1. I: Hakuba and Kuroba

Detective Conan and Magic Kaito characters, settings, and ideas do not belong to me but to Aoyama Gōshō, and any references to other manga/anime belong to their respective creators.

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Warnings: Language, minor violence

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TMPD Antics: Hijinks

By Taliya

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I: Hakuba and Kuroba

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"Kuroba-kun!" a voice called from behind, "Kuroba-kun, _wait_!"

"I don't want to hear it!" Kaito called back as he fled from his pursuer, "I'm tired of hearing the KID accusations!" The brunet ran as fast as he could, up until he hit a large crowd of pedestrians waiting to cross Shibuya Crossing.

" _You_ are an _arse_."

Kaito bristled at hearing that odious voice so near to him. "Hakuba," he snapped, turning to find a ruffled Hakuba Saguru at his shoulder bent at the waist and panting. "I don't want to hear any more accusations of you—"

The blond swallowed thickly as he proffered a paper coffee cup, lidded. "You forgot your drink."

"—calling me KID when you have no…" Kaito blinked, instantly losing steam. "Oh," he murmured, stunned, as he accepted it and took a sip of the hot chocolate cappuccino inside. "Oops."

Saguru harrumphed as he took a sip of his own chai latte, combing fingers through his now disheveled hair. "A thank you and an apology wouldn't be remiss, you uncouth twit," the blond nudged snippily in a not-so-subtle manner.

The brunet made a show of considering his current assigned partner's comment. He suddenly grinned widely with a mischievous gleam in his eyes as he flippantly answered, "Nah. If anything, you owe me for a lesson in running with fragile objects in hand."

"I—what?!" the Division Two officer stammered, his manners barely keeping his jaw from dropping in disbelief. "Kuroba-kun!"

Kaito simply smirked into his cup as Saguru muttered a string of rather unflattering insults regarding his person.

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Author's Note: Apologies for the lack of new content lately; this hiatus was marked by a lot of mental and emotional stress that ended up with me seeking a doctor for help. I wanted to write but had no motivation—I still don't have it all back, but I'm hoping to easy my way back into writing with another drabble oneshot series. Don't expect updates on this to be nearly as fast, as I'm still struggling with getting into my writing groove again. I hope you enjoyed it.

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Completed: 06.06.2018


	2. II: Kudou and Hattori

Detective Conan and Magic Kaito characters, settings, and ideas do not belong to me but to Aoyama Gōshō, and any references to other manga/anime belong to their respective creators.

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Warnings: Language, minor violence

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TMPD Antics: Hijinks

By Taliya

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II: Kudou and Hattori

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 _Satou Miwako [07:26:14]:_ Kudou-kun, where did you put the file on Yoshimi-san? I need it.

 _Kudou Shinichi [07:26:18]:_ Back in the file cabinet.

 _Satou Miwako [07:26:25]:_ Ah okay, I thought you still had it out. Thanks.

 _Kudou Shinichi [07:26:27]:_ No problem.

 _Hattori Heiji [09:04:25]:_ Kudou, pop over for a second, will you? Got a theory to run by you.

 _Kudou Shinichi [09:04:27]:_ Okay.

 _Megure Juuzo [10:56:57]:_ Does someone have a stapler I can borrow? I think mine walked away.

 _Takagi Wataru [10:57:00]:_ I'll bring mine over.

 _Megure Juuzo [10:57:07]:_ Thank you, Takagi-kun.

 _Chiba Kazunobu [14:42:08]:_ I need a break. Coffee anyone?

 _Kudou Shinichi [14:42:11]:_ Double shot of espresso, please.

 _Hattori Heiji [14:42:12]:_ I'm good, thanks.

 _Shiratori Ninzaburo [14:42:20]:_ Will you be going to Turret Coffee in Chuo?

 _Megure Juuzo [14:42:20]:_ Medium Americano for me, Chiba-kun.

 _Chiba Kazunobu [14:42:28]:_ Why would I go all the way to Chuo for coffee?

 _Takagi Wataru [14:42:31]:_ Small latte, thanks.

 _Shiratori Ninzaburo [14:42:45]:_ Because that's my favorite coffee shop around here.

 _Satou Miwako [14:42:46]:_ Small soy latte, thanks.

 _Chiba Kazunobu [14:42:39]:_ I was thinking Café de l'Ambre because it's closer…

 _Chiba Kazunobu [14:43:32]:_ Anyone else?

 _Shiratori Ninzaburo [14:43:37]:_ Large vanilla sweet cream cold brew with 2 pumps of vanilla, 3 pumps of caramel syrup, 2 pumps of cinnamon dolce syrup, 2 pumps of hazelnut, 2 pumps of toffee nut syrup, 2 pumps of mocha, 2 pumps of white mocha, add chocolate drizzle, add caramel drizzle, add cinnamon dolce drizzle, extra foam, 3 extra shots of espresso, and light on the ice.

 _Kudou Shinichi [14:43:38]:_ …

 _Katsuki Doito [14:43:39]:_ …

 _Hattori Heiji [14:43:39]:_ …

 _Takagi Wataru [14:43:40]:_ …

 _Satou Miwako [14:43:42]:_ … the ****, Shiratori-kun?

 _Megure Juuzo [14:43:45]:_ What does … mean?

 _Shiratori Ninzaburo [14:43:46]:_ What? I like my coffee just right!

 _Kudou Shinichi [14:43:48]:_ … means no comment.

 _Hattori Heiji [14:43:49]:_ … means not sure what to say.

 _Megure Juuzo [14:43:56]:_ Thank you.

 _Chiba Kazunobu [14:44:25]:_ Well I'm off to get drinks… your crazy one too, Shiratori-san.

 _Hattori Heiji [19:57:02]:_ Wait… who the **** is Katsuki Doito?

 _Kudou Shinichi [19:57:03]:_ …

 _Kudou Shinichi [19:57:05]:_ KID.

 _Hattori Heiji [19:57:06]:_ WHAT?!

 _The Phantastic Kaitou KID [19:57:07]:_ Took you long enough to notice, Tantei-han… ¯\\_( ◉ 3 ◉ )_/¯

 _Kudou Shinichi [19:57:10]:_ That ******* ******* of a ******* HACKED THE CHAT.

 _Hattori Heiji [19:57:13]:_ ****.

 _Kudou Shinichi [19:57:13]:_ ************* ******* NEEDS TO KEEP HIS **** NOSE OUT OF OFFICIAL ******* CORRESPONDENCE.

 _The Phantastic Kaitou KID [19:43:15]:_ Yikes, no need to peel paint, Tantei-kun! Nakamori-keishi does that often enough without your help! (꒪ȏ꒪;)

 _Kudou Shinichi [19:57:17]:_ ‾͟͟͞(((ꎤ ✧曲✧)̂—̳͟͞͞o

 _The Phantastic Kaitou KID [19:57:25]:_ Now now, Meitantei… you're a HOMICIDE DETECTIVE, remember?! (((φ(◎ロ◎;)φ)))

 _Kudou Shinichi [19:57:32]:_ GET. OUT. Or there won't BE a body to find, KID.

 _The Phearful Kaitou KID [19:57:34]:_ Meep! ε=ε=ε=(/TдT)/

 _Hattori Heiji [19:58:02]:_ ****, Kudou… (ΟΔΟ;;)

 _Kudou Shinichi [19:58:09]:_ Have to keep that idiot in line somehow, Hattori… ✧*｡٩(ˊᗜˋ*)و✧*｡

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Author's Note: Division One's interoffice group chat here. And of course, KID hacked into it. The chat, being an official work chat, automatically censors bad words. Hehe. And since the police work at all hours of the day, I put the timestamps in a 24-hour clock and not 12. This was inspired by both joisbishmyoga's _#WhereAreMyTantei_ (AO3) and Kai_Lu's _Gosho Boys' Group Chat_ (AO3). I hope you enjoyed it.

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Completed: 12.06.2018


	3. III: Kuroba and Kudou

Detective Conan and Magic Kaito characters, settings, and ideas do not belong to me but to Aoyama Gōshō, and any references to other manga/anime belong to their respective creators.

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Warnings: Language, minor violence

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TMPD Antics: Hijinks

By Taliya

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III: Kuroba and Kudou

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It was pouring.

Rain of any kind was fairly unusual for Tokyo, even during the rainy season. But rain reminded Kaito of drenched frolics in his backyard with his parents—back when his father had been alive.

It was after hours now, and most of Division Three had gone home for the evening. Kaito stood by the window, watching the droplets pelt the glass pane and listening to the muffled hiss of water splashing on the concrete below. The sky was a gloomy, leaden grey, and steadily dimming towards black.

 _Miss you, Oyaji,_ he thought, and a muted pang rippled through his chest even after all these years. _Miss you a lot._

"You okay, Kuroba?"

Kaito jumped, so deep in his ruminations that he had not heard anyone approach. "Kudou," he greeted, willing his pulse to slow back to normal. "I wasn't expecting anyone to visit."

Shinichi strolled into Division Three's office area, hands tucked into his pockets. "I got a phone call from your wife asking if I'd seen you, so I figured I should check here." He stepped up next to Kaito and bent forwards to peer at his face inquisitively, much like he had used to as Edogawa Conan. "What's wrong?"

The theft detective shook his head slowly. "It's nothing. Just a bunch of memories brought up by the rain." A small but nostalgic smile tugged at the corner of his mouth.

"Oh," the homicide detective murmured softly, and he eased himself back into Kaito's peripheral vision. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be," Kaito said with a snort, "it's not like any of that was your fault."

Shinichi allowed his gaze to drift out the window. "Perhaps, but that doesn't mean I cannot sympathize." The two friends stood regarding the now glistening twilight scenery. "Come on," Shinichi finally said, placing a hand on Kaito's shoulder. "Why don't you head back home and relax this evening?"

"Yeah, I'll do that," Kaito said. He grabbed his keys and his silenced phone—oops—and headed out, tossing Shinichi a quiet good night.

When he arrived the next morning, he paused and stared at the Tupperware of homemade chocolate-chip cookies sitting on his desk. A small, folded slip of paper rested on top of the lid, and on inside was written:

 _Hope this cheers you up some._

 _-Ran and Shinichi_

Kaito smiled warmly as he set the message aside and popped the lid open. The scent of sugar and chocolate wafted up to him, and as he took a contented nibble at one cookie, he thanked every god in existence for his good fortune in friends.

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Author's Note: Something a little sadder, focusing on friendship this time. I hope you enjoyed it.

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Completed: 22.06.2018


	4. IV: Hattori and Hakuba

Detective Conan and Magic Kaito characters, settings, and ideas do not belong to me but to Aoyama Gōshō, and any references to other manga/anime belong to their respective creators.

* * *

Warnings: Language, minor violence

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TMPD Antics: Hijinks

By Taliya

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IV: Hattori and Hakuba

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"I said I was _sorry_ ," Saguru muttered in exasperation for the thousandth time that afternoon. The half-Briton was currently sitting an angrily sulking Heiji back to headquarters, Baaya ever the dutiful chauffer. The Osakan, covered from head to knees in black-colored paint, was—needless to say— _extremely_ upset.

"I heard you the first time, but I'm still mad," was Heiji's retort.

Saguru had been on the balcony of what had ended up being the rather posh residence of a low-ranked yakuza member. The man had been repainting the railing of his balcony. When Saguru and his partner had come a little too close to sniffing out the illicit drugs that the man had been smuggling, he pulled out a gun and aimed it at the blond. Saguru had been forced to back onto the balcony with his hands held up and away from his body.

He had sprung into action at the unexpected gunshot when his partner had surprised the smuggler with a chokehold, throwing himself back into the apartment to help his partner hold the man down so they could cuff him. In his haste, he had knocked the can of paint off the balcony—which spilled onto an unsuspecting Heiji as he was heading back to work from his lunch break.

The Osakan had shouted in surprise at the sudden shower, wiping his face off as best as he could before screaming profanities at the heavens for the utter unfairness of it all. His swearing had caught the attention of Saguru, who after subduing the struggling gangster, had gone to see what the commotion was about. The resulting encounter had _not_ been pretty.

"I don't blame you," Saguru replied with a sigh, his hair ruffling from the breeze brought by the open windows to help with diffusing the heady odor of the paint. He hoped that the towels would be enough to keep the paint from staining the leather. The yakuza member had been taken away in the patrol car, as Saguru had no desire to stick the Osakan in the backseat with their arrested passenger—instead, he had called for Baaya to pick them up. "I'll replace your suit for you."

Heiji huffed. "Damn straight you will," he said. There was silence in the car for a long stretch before he asked, "So did you get him?"

Saguru gave a small grin in reply. "Yes, we did."

"Good."

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Author's Note: Friends-not-friends moment between Heiji and Saguru. They are still difficult for me to write, but at least I've gotten their personalities to work a little better? I hope you enjoyed it.

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Completed: 26.08.2018


	5. V: Hakuba and Kudou

Detective Conan and Magic Kaito characters, settings, and ideas do not belong to me but to Aoyama Gōshō, and any references to other manga/anime belong to their respective creators.

* * *

Warnings: Language, minor violence

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TMPD Antics: Hijinks

By Taliya

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V: Hakuba and Kudou

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Saguru clenched his jaw in anger, staring at the body that lay sprawled on the floor. _She had been alive nary one_ bloody _minute ago!_ he thought in frustration as he hung up on his conversation with Division One's Homicide Unit. The blond had been called out to a residence in Nerima regarding a burglary. An all-too-conveniently-timed black out combined with the nighttime darkness, and—voilà!—murder case.

The blond had immediately taken control of the situation with the help of his partner. Between the two of them they had herded the residents and visitors of the home into another room, and Saguru had carefully described the murder scene to an en-route Shinichi.

 _It looks more like a premeditated murder than crime of passion,_ he thought, _considering that knife sticking out of Yamazaki's back doesn't look like it belonged to her. The style's all wrong for the décor of the house._

Saguru opened the door for Shinichi and his partner when they arrived, directing him to the group of uneasy suspects and leaving him to do his job. The blond continued his own examination of determining how the robbery had unfolded, nearly positive that the one who had stolen the goods was still in the room with Shinichi.

He returned to the crowded room just in time to hear Shinichi deduce who the culprit of the murder was. "Tanaka-san, it had to be you who killed Yamazaki-san."

"Not only that," Saguru chimed in, "but he was also the one to break in and steal Yamazaki-san's jewelry."

Everyone in the room then listened to Tanaka's snarled confession before Shinichi cuffed the man's wrists and led him out.

After Tanaka had been settled into the back of Shinichi's patrol car, Saguru sighed and murmured, "There was no reason for him to become that desperate."

"I know," Shinichi agreed, subdued. "All he had to do was ask for help—his friends would have been more than willing."

Saguru shook his head. "At any rate, I'll see you tomorrow, Kudou-kun. This one's going to be a joint report."

Shinichi nodded. "See you then, Hakuba. Good night."

"Good night," the blond replied before heading to his own squad car to return back to the station.

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Author's Note: Not a super happy one, but at least I'm writing. I guess a solid week of nothing but rain will get me to write more depressing stuff. Anyways, I hope you enjoyed it.

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Completed: 17.10.2018


	6. VI: Kuroba and Hattori

Detective Conan and Magic Kaito characters, settings, and ideas do not belong to me but to Aoyama Gōshō, and any references to other manga/anime belong to their respective creators.

* * *

Warnings: Language, minor violence

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TMPD Antics: Hijinks

By Taliya

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VI: Kuroba and Hattori

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" _Fuck_ , it itches," Kaito hissed quietly under his breath.

At his side, Heiji placatingly rubbed his inner wrist; Kaito's arm was currently entwined with the Osakan's. "Easy there, Kuroba," he murmured, "Just hold out for the rest of the evening." The Division One detective was decked out in a fitted black tux with white button up and black tie and cummerbund, while the Division Three detective was dressed in a slinky, glittery navy halter top dress with black opera gloves and a styled brunette wig. Kaito had low, wide heels on to facilitate stability with any sudden movements, and Heiji had lifts in his shoes to balance out Kaito's added height.

Kaito smiled coquettishly at a couple that passed them by in the gala they were at before he growled darkly, "I'd like to see _you_ tape your dick and balls up for hours and _then_ tell me how it feels." He unobtrusively shimmied to try to ease his discomfort. "I can't even take a piss like this."

Heiji sighed. "None of the girls in Division Three were available tonight, for whatever reason—so that's why you're here. Not counting the fact that this is also your case anyway."

"I could have come as a guy!" the cross-dressed officer snapped. Kaito had, by necessity, suffered the indignity of being transformed into a woman with the help of Kudou Shinichi's mother, Yukiko. Not like he was going to let his coworkers know he could cross-dress perfectly fine on his own, but it was the principle of the matter!

"And who would have been your date?" Heiji snipped back. "The girls in the Traffic Bureau aren't used to anything more than handing out speeding tickets, there are no females in Division Two to keep KID from accidentally groping one of them in a dogpile, and Satou is the only female in Division One and who happens to be on vacation. And don't even think about telling me you'd bring a civvie."

Kaito subtly but visibly sulked, unable to come up with a feasible reply. Everything Heiji had said was true. Kaito _was_ the officer from Division Three tasked with this case, and he was working in tandem with Heiji on it. The host of this charity ball was a suspected serial killer who dabbled in black market sales of forged historical paintings. It was why the two departments were working together on this case.

Heiji nudged his partner gently, breaking the disguised male out of his glowering. "Heads up, suspect coming in hot at ten o' clock."

The Division Three officer immediately straightened and pressed a dazzling expression on his made-up face as they approached Kobayashi Hiruma. In between the giggling and flirting, Kaito muttered, "I'm getting you back for this."

"Take it up with Megure," Heiji replied under his breath but loud enough for his partner to hear, "He's the one that somehow came up with this harebrained idea."

And yet the Osakan had a niggling suspicion that Kudou might have left the suggestion in their boss' ear.

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Author's Note: Not sure where this idea came from, but decided to throw a little espionage in for kicks. Of course Kaito has to act all grouchy with cross-dressing even though we are all very well aware of his comfort with the act. I've been sucked into _Yuri! on Ice_ lately, and I freely admit Viktor Nikiforov is a gorgeous, gorgeous man. Ahem. I hope you enjoyed it.

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Completed: 15.11.2018


	7. VII: Hattori and Kudou

Detective Conan and Magic Kaito characters, settings, and ideas do not belong to me but to Aoyama Gōshō, and any references to other manga/anime belong to their respective creators.

* * *

Warnings: Language, minor violence

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TMPD Antics: Hijinks

By Taliya

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VII: Hattori and Kudou

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There were blinking red lights in front of the stationary store a few storefronts down—though that did not bother Ran one bit as she entered a cozy little café. Seating herself at a small table, she did not have to wait long until she spotted Kazuha. The two greeted each other with hugs, then sat down to peruse the lunch specials on the menu.

Their meal was delicious, and their conversation full of laughter and anecdotes of the various goings on in their respective law firms. Kazuha paid for their meal as Ran had footed their last lunch outing, and the café's door gave a cheerful jingle as they left.

"Thanks again for paying, Kazuha-chan," Ran said with a wide smile.

"Not a problem, Ran-chan," Kazuha replied. "We should—"

"SOMEBODY STOP THAT MAN!"

The shout interrupted their conversation, and they both spun towards the cluster of police cars to see a scruffy, angry-looking man hurtling straight for them after he had burst out of a store.

Both of the women took up the ready stances of their respective martial arts, and as the fleeing man neared them, Ran and Kazuha tag teamed him with moves designed to incapacitate. The man fell to the sidewalk with a thud, dazed and winded from his abrupt decrease in velocity.

"You got him?" called a voice as several pairs of feet clattered quickly towards them. Kazuha and Ran looked up to find Shinichi and Heiji approaching them, along with a handful of other officers.

"Shinichi?"

"Heiji!"

"Definitely got him," Heiji remarked, smirking down at the semi-unconscious man. "Thanks for your help, Ran-chan, Kazuha."

Shinichi nodded in agreement with a smile. "Guy fled after we presented the evidence that he was the killer."

The two lawyers grinned. "Glad we could help," Ran said, watching as her husband cuffed the man.

Shinichi and Heiji hauled him to his feet. "We'll see you tonight," Heiji said, then added with a wink, "and try not to be late."

Kazuha snorted. "We're not the ones who deal with spontaneous deaths at all hours of the day."

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Author's Note: Decided to switch it up a little and add the girls in. I hope you enjoyed it.

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Completed: 21.05.2019


	8. VIII: Hakuba And Kuroba

Detective Conan and Magic Kaito characters, settings, and ideas do not belong to me but to Aoyama Gōshō, and any references to other manga/anime belong to their respective creators.

* * *

Warnings: Language, minor violence

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TMPD Antics: Hijinks

By Taliya

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Chapter VIII: Hakuba and Kuroba

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Saguru paced restlessly, back and forth, back and forth, in the small space behind Kaito's desk. Last night's heist had terrified him in way that situations could: the distinctive crack of gunshots had fractured the air, sending Kaitou KID supporters screaming and fleeing from the heist location. Saguru himself had been running up the main staircase of the museum and had heard the sound echo through the cavernous exhibit halls.

The thief had given Division Two the slip, melting away within their midst with casual ease. Though a round of cheek pinches had followed, none of the men there had masks. It did not help that they all ended up being locked in the exhibit hall that had housed the object of that night's heist, the display case woefully empty of its usual glittering peridot brooch. It had taken the police fifteen minutes to disarm the electronically locked doors.

The blond had, upon hearing the gunshots, doubled his pace up the steps, stubbornly ignoring the stitch that had developed in his side. Please don't let me find you dead, Kuroba!

Saguru sprinted across the main exhibit hallway towards a side room, throwing his weight against the bar and forcing the emergency stairwell exit door open. He dashed up the stairs, panting, and skidded to a halt on the final landing that would dump him out onto the roof.

Sliding his gun out and flicking the safety off, he eased the door open to first scope out his new surroundings. Aside from the hum of the HVAC system, there was no one on the roof. Saguru cautiously eased himself through the door, eyes and ears alert to anything.

Nothing.

Nothing save for a few splashes of blood punctuated by bullet holes. Multiple frantic calls to Kaito gave him the brunet's voicemail, and Aoko was currently out of the country for a conference.

Saguru barely slept that night. When he could no longer stand lying in bed, he hauled himself off to the office, and there he began to pace.

When Kaito sleepily ambled in at half past seven, Saguru lunged at him. Kaito squawked in surprise.

"Where were you last night?" he demanded, gripping the magician's shoulders tightly, grounding proof that his friend was not a ghost.

Kaito cocked his head quizzically. "Uh, gaming with a friend in his basement mancave?"

That explained the voicemail. "You're okay? You're not injured?" he asked, patting Kaito's arms.

"Oi! No frisking!" the brunet yelped, and he jerked himself out of Saguru's clutches, performing a rather acrobatic flip over his desk. "Seriously Hakuba, what gives?"

Saguru studied Kaito's face and body language for even the faintest hint of pain. However good an actor Kaito was, pain was pain, and there were always going to be some tells. Finally satisfied that his friend was as well as he could ascertain, Saguru sighed. "Apologies, Kuroba-kun. Events last night were a cause of concern regarding you. Good day."

The blond swept back to his office, and therefore never saw the soft, appreciative smile Kaito sent after him.

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Author's Note: A little longer than usual, but I needed to add some context to Saguru's worry. I hope you enjoyed it.

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Completed: 10.06.2019


End file.
